Not a victim

More overshare, but this is important

Last night a FB friend posted a statement, which referenced the Rice situation. She said that a woman who spits, slaps and swears shouldn't be surprised if she gets punched.

Here is my response.

"a woman who swears and slaps and spits may have been pushed the very brink by an abusive controlling manipulator. or a psychopathic lying asshole who gets off on making his partners lose their shit, in order to have a reason to hit them. Or if he doesn't hit that time, he gets to feel superior that she 'lost it' and he retained control. He'll use it against her. Then work her up again and again. When he finally does lose it, he blames her, because she 'made him do it' It's crazy making behaviour. It's real, it's disgusting, and it's not all that uncommon."

I am not going to comment on the Rice situation. I'll go ahead and comment on mine.  My last abuser was the absolute worst I'd encountered. I was not prepared to deal with his level of manipulation. I'm not a shrinking violet. I'm not an idiot. I've been down this road but was still taken in by a narcissistic psychopath.  He used many tricks to make me appear to the be the one in the wrong. He used crazy making behaviours. It started slowly, as it always does. Within a few months he had completely destroyed my self esteem. Isolated me from my friends. He manipulated me into bankruptcy. I almost lost my job, I failed at school.

When it got really bad he taunted me, belittled me and baited me until, yes. When he was in my face yelling at me,  I pushed him away from me.  I finally found some amount of gumption to fight back against his constant onslaught. He belittled every aspect of my person: physically, sexually, intellectually, spirtually.  Once I pushed him that gave him permission.   Over the course of a few days it went from me pushing him and him acting superior because I 'lost' it.  To him being charged with 18 counts of assault against me.

When I went to the police, I told the entire story. How it started with me pushing him.  It escalated to my being covered in bruises head to toe. I had two black eyes, an injured knee, damage to my hands, bruised ribs. The injuries came from a combination of punches to the face, my head being slammed into his car window, being pushed to the ground and kicked, pushed against walls, my shirt ripped off my body, etc. During the altercations that took place over three days, yes I did fight back. I did slap him. I even bit him, while trying to get him to stop bending my fingers back.  I reported this to the police and no, they didn't press charges against me. I tried to take responsibility for my actions, but they said in these situations they look for the primary aggressor.

There is a lot more that went into this situation, and it was extremely hard to break free because of the brainwashing that took place. Eventually, I managed to get away, with help from a very long suffering friend.

The aftermath:  He received only 23 days in jail and 18 months probation.  I fled the town I was living in, changed my numbers and unfriended and blocked anyone who may know him so he can't contact me.  I can no longer run because of the damage to my knee. I have pain every time I try to open bottle or jar because of the damage to the joints in my hand. I'm bankrupt, I don't have a single dime to my name. I barely managed to keep my job, as my work has suffered. I have nightmares almost every night, I can only sleep 2-3 hours at a time, and wake up in a cold sweat more often than not. My child was traumatized. We both underwent counselling. He's recovering and has developed an amazing empathy for those around him. That is the only positive that has come out of the situation.

 I wake up every day thankful that I'm not in a relationship. I fear my ability to trust and love is gone forever. I'm afraid I'm now officially too damaged to ever be able to sustain a relationship with someone.

My story isn't uncommon.  Domestic Violence happens to both men and women.

About half of Canadian women over 16 report at least one incidence of physcial or sexual violence. 

In Canada, a woman dies at the hands of her intimate partner about every six days.

In the US, a woman is assaulted by her partner about every nine seconds.  Every day in the United States, 3 women are murdered by their intimate partner.

I'm not going to discount the men either. About 1 in 10 men are victims of domestic violence.

In 2001 in the US Intimate partner violence made up 20% of the nonfatal violent crime against women. And, 3% of the nonfatal violent crime against men.

In 2000 in the US, 1247 and 440 men were killed by an intimate partner.  33% of  murdered women are killed by an intimate partner, and 4% of male murder victims are killed by an intimate partner.

Men or women, it's wrong, people need to speak out and no longer be labeled a victim.  I'm not,  I'm here, that makes me a survivor.