Shame

As I wrote my earlier blog I realized that I hadn't really shared with very many people what happened last year.  Some of my own siblings were reading the details for the first time.  I think I told one sister in February.  My Dad, I didn't tell until May12th.  The incident I described happened the previous October. Very few people were privy to the information I shared.  Why was that?  I know I talked with my best friend about it and justified not telling anyone because it wasn't anyone's business. No one needed to know since everyone is too far away to help.

That wasn't the reason, that was an excuse. The reason I haven't talked about it is shame.  I was deeply ashamed of what happened. No, I didn't cause him to abuse me. I know this, I've always known this.

However, I was embarrassed and ashamed.  You see, this isn't my first time up to bat with an abuser. Although he was the most skilled in messing with my head, tearing me down and getting me addicted to him so I couldn't leave, he wasn't the first. My first abuser started hitting a year after we got married.  My second abuser never hit, so,  that was better.

So, now I'm dealing with a third abuser, worse than the first two combined.  How could I admit to anyone I let this happen?  Before I met my ex, I had spent two years alone healing and getting strong. Two years without a hug or caress. Two years without a date, or even flirting with anyone.  I spent that time in counselling, working on my outward appearance, going to the gym, making new friends, getting out and enjoying new activities.  I accepted some things about myself I'd never taken the time to examine before. I really worked on healing and getting ready to tackle the next stage of my life.

When I finally felt ready, like I was as strong and confident as I could be, as I'd ever been really, I dipped my toes into the dating world. I went on a few dates, had some fun with a few different people. Even made it to 3 and 4 dates with a few people.  Then I met my ex.  All bets were off, and I embarked on the worst year of my life.

The thoughts and feelings having to admit what happened to anyone was intense.  I had a few people say, why don't you just leave?  Why do you stay?  I could imagine that family members would be disgusted that I let this happen again.  How COULD I let this happen again? What is so wrong with me that people think it's okay to treat me this way? Why aren't I strong enough to walk away at the first sign of trouble?

I didn't realize I was dealing with an actual narcissistic psychopath.  I've learned a lot in the past few months, and the level of manipulation wasn't your garden variety abuser. These people are very good at picking their targets.  They don't tend to go after the weak in the herd.  They want the conquest. They want to break down the strong and confident and turn them weak and needy.  Then they will discard them like yesterday's trash. It's sick and twisted.  My abuser saw how strong I was and wanted to break me.   He did.

And, I was ashamed.  Our society has a tendency to blame the victims (survivors) for things like this.  From blaming the rape survivor for dressing too sexy, or being at that party in the first place.  Or, asking the abused person in the ER, why don't you just leave? Well meaning friends, just get strong and leave, why can't you do that?   It's not right, and shows a lack of understanding on how people take advantage of others.

Why was I feeling shame over this and yet my abuser has no shame for the way he treated me?  Why does he get to go on with his life, call me that crazy bitch who just disappeared one day and I deal with the aftermath every single day?  Even if he were just like the other people who took advantage of me I STILL shouldn't feel ashamed. THEY should.  They are the ones who treat people badly. 

Supporting and loving the survivors, giving them information and help when possible should be what we as a society do.

Yes, men and women will go back to their abusers.  An average of 7 times before they leave for good.  Does that mean we need to make them feel bad because they couldn't do it the first six?   How about extending a loving hand, letting them know just how much we love them, and will be there for them.  Leaving an abuser is hard, and it is made very much harder when the survivor is dealing with judgement from many sides, in addition to the psychological abuse heaped upon him or her.

Now, I will admit, I didn't allow many people in my life to help me. I try to always be strong so reaching out for help in the first place is difficult for me.  When I did share it was mostly well received with loving responses, but, those few people who questioned me and my lack of strength held me back from really reaching out.  

Not anymore. I have no reason to feel ashamed.  The only person who should be ashamed of themselves in this situation is the person who behaved badly and hurt me and my family.